Finding myself and a new job?
I’ve been doing a lot better since my last couple of posts.
In the process of getting better, I’ve found a few things out about myself. I realize that I keep thinking that I’m not worth X,Y or Z. But now, I’m feeling a lot better and I realize that I am worth feeling good.
Plain and simple – I’m worth feeling good.
And I haven’t been. I’ve been feeling like a crappy person, a crappy friend, and I’ve been treating myself like it.
So, I’m starting to take the driver’s seat. I realize that in order to live my life the way I want to, I’m going to have to lose weight.
I realize this, I have realized this in the past, and now I’m challenging myself to really get behind it.
I’ve had some relative success in the past, but I think I need to seriously consider how much of a life-change this is going to be – it’s going to be huge (the life change – not me *hopefully*).
I also realize that this isn’t just about weight, it’s about a complete mental life change too. Starting with me believing in myself.
I had a job interview (actually a 2nd interview for the same position) the other day for a seemingly perfect job.
I’ve been looking to leave my current reporter job for a little while. The pay is HORRIBLE, the winters are dreadful and I’m getting bogged down with the constant high school drama surrounding the newsroom.
It’s time for a change – weight, mind and scenery. I hope it all works out.
Help me along – have you tried a life change before? How did you start? How did it work? Any advice?
Add comment January 27, 2009
klianne
Tags: cha-cha-changes, weight loss, work
New Year’s Resolutions
I typically don’t do “resolutions” for the New Year, but I figured this year I will. Like I said I’ve been struggling to “find myself.” It’s created a lot of inner dialogue and I think I have a couple ways to solve it. Here are my resolutions:
1. LIVE LIFE! (I rarely ever take time to just live. Everything is planned out to the minute. I never have time to even think about stopping to smell the roses.)
2. Be the person I want to be, not the person who other people expect me to be.
3. Make myself happy first. (I’m always caught up in other people. Are they happy? Can I do something to help? What do they think about me? Am I upsetting them? Should I stop what I’m doing? It’s time for me to be me – and I’m going to start making myself happy first.)
4. Get my finances under control. (They’re taking over my life and creating unnecessary stress.)
5. Be Healthy. (Get off my ass. Exercise. Be happy and healthy – so I don’t have a heart attack at the age of 30.)
Add comment January 6, 2009
klianne
Trying this again
I’m trying this “blogging” thing again. I’ve really been struggling lately trying to find myself and trying to find a medium between who I want to be, who people think I am and who I really am.
Does that even make sense? I want to be remembered as a sweet, kind, compassionate and fun person. But if I were to die today, how would most people remember me?
Do you ever think about he dfference between how people think of you and how you would want them to think of you? And then compare that to who you want to be?
1 comment January 6, 2009
klianne
I deserve this ….
It’s been a little bit of a struggle with the weight loss.
Last week/this weekend with Valentines Day was kind of rough. I got a phone call that I wasn’t expecting, which led me to drink heavily Thursday night. Then Friday I had pizza and pop. Saturday and Sunday weren’t too bad – but I haven’t been to the gym since Thursday, so I feel like a giant tub of lard!
I’m going back to the gym tonight and getting back on my plan. I have to weigh myself soon – which I’m dreading. I know I haven’t gained, but I don’t know if I’ve lost anything.
I know my problem is that I just get too down on myself. I think that I’m too fat to ever make a different and I’m stuck like this forever. I feel like I’m not worth it.
But what I found out this weekend – is that I am worth it. I’m fabulous and I deserve to look like I feel. I don’t feel like a 300+ pound person who’s ashamed and constantly hiding. I feel like a fabulous, 23-year-old who needs to put herself out there more – and I will.
I deserve to look and feel good. And soon – with some persistence – I will.
Add comment February 18, 2008
klianne
Good few days…
This week has been really good with the whole “diet/life change.”
I’ve been to the gym every day and I’ve been doing really well with my eating plan.
This weekend will really be a challenge. A friend is coming over tonight for dinner and drinks - so I’ll have to make sure not to over eat/drink.
Girls night is tomorrow – another opportunity for over-indulgence. I’ll just have to be careful. This’ll be the weekend to prove that I can really do it - I can practice self control.
FOOD – YOU DON’T HAVE POWER OVER ME!
Add comment February 8, 2008
klianne
Weight on my shoulders
I’ve been overweight (borderline obese) since I quit playing sports in middle school.
Recently, I had a come to jesus meeting with myself and decided it was time to do something about it. Shortly after that, I talked to a friend about it and she agreed to do it with me. We made plans and e-mail (almost) daily. We are each other’s support system.
A day after we first talked about it, I saw an Oprah (I know – totally cliche) with Bob Green (author of The Best Life Diet) with people who had lost 100+ pounds just by diet and exercise. I always thought that in order to really lose the weight, it would require surgery or divine intervention – and then I realize – it was Oprah Intervention – it is time.
I’ve been unhealthy for about a decade, and I’m getting really tired (literally) of it.
So I started eating right – not a diet, but a life change in what I should and can eat- and I joined the “Ready to be Fit Center” at the local YMCA.
Well, it’s been a week already and I haven’t missed a day at the Y and I feel a lot better already. I feel like I have more energy and I don’t want to eat junk food or go a day without working out, because I’ve changed my priorities – my health is now listed as #1.
To add to the incentives – my mother called me yesterday and while we were talking about my “life change” she said, “if I agree to pay your car payment every month, will you agree to lose 10 pounds a month?”
“Hell yes!” I exclaimed (in addition to weight problems, ever since taking the new job, I’ve had financial problems too).
So, I’m going to start writing in the blog more – I know I know – a promise I’ve broken more times than kept – and I’m going to start on this new journey.
I’m excited!
Add comment February 7, 2008
klianne
Love: The Anti-Christ
That’s the title of the movie I’m going to make. “Love: The Anti-Christ”
What do you think?
I think it’s about accurate.
Things with Jason have been going really slowly. We’ve hung out a few times and plans to hang out a bunch of times.
There have been several instances, though, where he has cancelled or just not called. We had tentative plans to watch a movie one night. He said “I should be there by 8.”
He called at 9:15 saying that his event had started an hour late. Ever hear of a telephone? Or text messaging?
On Christmas, he had enough time to post a message on Myspace, but didn’t have enough time to say “back at ya” to my “Merry Christmas” text message.
Then, I don’t talk to him for 4 days. You’re thinking “4 days – whatever.” But that was after he promised to call the next day and then he texts me with “Howdy” at 1 a.m. the next day.
“Howdy?”
I wanted to text back with “WTF?” but was half asleep.
So I texted him yesterday because I was tired of playing games and waiting for him to call and being stood up.
I said “Did you die, or did I do something terribly wrong.”
He texts back 3 hours later with “sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I just got back in town. I’ll call you tomorrow. hope you had a good trip.”
My reactions:
#1: he’s not dead
#2: where did he go out of town to? he was supposed to be in town for Christmas
#3: he’s an ass hole
So I think I’ve given up on love and men in general.
We all know that’s not going to happen. What we do know is going to happen is:
#1: He’ll call tonight and I’ll hit ignore.
#2: I’ll call him back tomorrow
#3: he’ll apologize profusely and say he’ll completely make it up to me
#4: I’ll accept it.
1 comment December 27, 2007
klianne
Good first date…
I had a first date with Jason today. There was a huge snow storm yesterday, so we had to push it back until today.
It was really good. We went to dinner at applebees and then went to the mall to pick up a disco ball for his work party.
It was a good time. We laughed a lot, and there were only a couple awkward silences. I can tell he likes me and I can see a potential for him to really like me. I just have to decide how I feel.
I had a really good time with him, but I just have to figure out my feelings. I think there’s a potential, but I don’t want to rush into things.
It’s just a kind of new situation for me. Usually I love to throw myself into a new relationship. I love to love. But for some reason my emotions aren’t automatically making assumptions or expectations – it’s really nice.
In other news, I have my consultation for my breast biopsy Wednesday. I’m really nervous. I hope he says it’s nothing so that I don’t have to have a biopsy.
Also, I’m going home Thursday! YAY! I fly in Thursday morning and stay through Christmas Eve. I have to work Christmas Day – boo- but hopefully I’ll see Jason after work!
Add comment December 18, 2007
klianne
Date!
During an all out texting war with Jason last night, he finally asked me out!
We’re going out Sunday night, probably to the movies.
I’m really nervous. I’ve never met anyone from online before, so it’ll be a new experience. Plus, what if he’s disappointed.
Or worse, what if I’m disappointed? It’ll be sad if that happens because we seem to have such chemistry when we talk on the phone.
I’ll keep you posted!
Add comment December 14, 2007
klianne
New man?
About a week ago, I was home and bored on the weekend. I checked my e-mail and found someone had “winked” at me on Match.com.
I would ordinarily just hit delete – because my luck with Match.com (read: my luck with guys in the area) has been hopeless. But I decided to check it out because I was: Bored. I look at the guy’s profile and instantly realize his profile is far more interesting than any other guy’s profile I’d read on the site before. We had a lot in common and I thought I may want to to meet him.
So I e-mailed and he e-mail and phone numbers were exchanged. We’ve talked on the phone the past three nights and I think I could really like this guy. We’re both in the same profession – but in different areas. He’s funny and sweet and incredibly nice. I laugh almost the whole time we’re on the phone, but it’s to jokes I get and actually think are funny – not just that polite laughing that often takes place at the beginning of things. He’s smart and witty.
It’s refreshing. He’s very proper, so I’m kind of just waiting for him to ask me out. I can tell he likes me, but I’m just waiting. I don’t want to rush things. I get to this point in the beginning of relationships where my instinct is to push them away.
“Oh my god, he called me tonight – he’s smothering me”
“Oh my god, he e-mailed me – I must always be on his mind and I can’t deal with someone like this”
“Oh my god – look at that shirt in one of his pictures – yeah, the rest are perfect, but look at that one shirt.”
It’s just tiring. I get so scared and all I want to do is push them away. It’s because of past relationships, I’m sure when my trust was broken. It’s hard for me to give it out again when I’m constantly nagged with what memories of the past.
I was on cloud nine the other day, thinking about him and thinking about what may be when a horrible song came on my iPod shuffle. A song that I had listened to for hours in a row and for days on end for months at a time. It was during my last breakup. A breakup that shook me to the core.
In an instant that feeling of jubilation went to fear and wanting to push him away. I kept thinking “why would I want to put myself through that again. The good was ok and the bad was horrible. I can’t go through that again. Just end it now, so no one gets hurt.”
I can’t help it, but that’s where my mind goes more often than not. I really want to meet him. I really, really, really want to meet him and I want things to go well. I’ve never, ever gotten to the point where I was seriously contemplating meeting someone from the Interweb. Ever.
But this guy is just different.
I just wish I could breakdown my barriers.
His name is Jason.
Add comment December 13, 2007
klianne
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